Finding My Faith
May 2, 2023— 12:12 pm
Growing up, I was raised Catholic. As a child, I was going to church, put in CCD classes, and was encouraged to pray often. Unfortunately, I don’t remember much about those church visits or what was taught in those CCD classes, but the one thing I can still strongly remember to this day is how strong of a relationship my grandpa had with God. That man would dedicate every single weekend to the Lord, and without a doubt, he’d be sitting in that pew bright and early every Sunday. It is crazy to me to think that I can’t remember going to church with my own family, but I can always remember going to church with my grandpa whenever I’d visit him in Portland, Oregon. Yes, occasionally I would not want to wake up early and go sit at church, but seeing how much peace it brought him to be there, brought me peace and happiness.
A little backstory on my grandpa, his name was Richard, “Bampy” is what I called him, and he’s my mom's dad. My parents are older so I was never fortunate enough to meet my dad's parents for two reasons– my dad's side of the family lives in Croatia, and his parents passed away before I was born. But I have heard amazing stories of both of them. My mom's mom passed away when my mom was in her early twenties so I’ve never met her either, but my grandpa Richard is who I grew up knowing and loving. When I tell you that that man was my everything, he was. I always loved flying to Portland with my mom to go and visit him. I can still picture him greeting us at the airport wearing his classic plaid collared shirt and khaki pants. The cutest old man I ever did see and know. Having grown up with only one true grandparent made our relationship and bond so strong, and also– I was his only granddaughter. :)
On July 19, 2016, I went on a day trip with my friends to San Francisco. Knowing my grandpa was in the hospital at the time, I wanted to go out and about with my friends to get my mind off of it. I knew deep down that he’d be okay, so I wasn’t too concerned. He was a strong man. When I got home that day, I changed into my comfy clothes and was hanging out in my room. My dad had asked me to come downstairs, so I did. He said to me “I need to talk to you about something, honey.” I have never heard my dad's voice sound so shaky and upset in my entire life. He proceeded to tell me that my grandpa had passed away earlier in the day and my mom, who was in Portland at the time, had told him to tell me after my day out with friends. My heart was completely shattered. I was also just numb. The nights and days following I was so hurt, I just wanted to FaceTime my grandpa and say “I love you” again. In the summer of 2020, I had my grandpa’s handwriting tattooed on my ribs. I brought an old birthday card he had written me and had the handwritten words “I love you very much” inked onto my body permanently. (You can see the tattoo in the picture that’s on the ‘About’ page of my blog) It was the most painful tattoo ever, but it was so worth it in my eyes. After those days in 2016, is when I stopped going to church for a while. I had gone occasionally over the years since then, but I kid you not, every single time I went to any church, I’d have an overflow of emotions. So, I stopped going completely.
In the fall of 2022, I was following this girl on Instagram who was so in tune with her faith. I was so moved by her words and how much the Lord had changed her. (Grey if you’re reading this, I love you girl.) I contacted her and we messaged back and forth for a while. Now, today when you’re reading this– we still do! She is the sweetest soul ever and I am so thankful that we’ve crossed paths. Those days following the conversations with Grey, I was thinking of my grandpa when I was contemplating getting back into my faith, I wanted to be closer to him and God. Later, I then decided to buy a study Bible from Amazon, buy a new journal (not the little orange one) for taking notes when reading the Bible, and some new pens/ markers. My mom had given me one of her daily devotion books to read which had a different devotion each day, as well as a bible verse. Now in the spring of 2023, I’m still going strong! I am unable to go to church as often as I would like due to my work scheduling me on Sundays, but I still make sure to read my daily devotion and write about it in that journal. Creating a stronger connection with God these past few months has made me stronger mentally, which I have needed. It also shines a bright light in remembrance of my grandpa who loved the Lord so much. I just want you to know that there’s no timeline for when you can get back in touch with your faith, take my situation as an example. Just know that the Lord loves you throughout every moment of your life. & I love you, Bampy.